Last week I met my cycling buddies for Thursday night drinks and pizza. We’ve been doing it forever, but I’ve been understandably absent since Lola was born. Putting two kids under 3 to sleep at the same time is a nightmare. Even though I’m sure Alba wouldn’t complain, I wouldn’t wish that hell on anyone. However, now that my eldest is going to pre-school, he comes home absolutely shattered. He pretty much passes out mid-sentence around 7, which means I’m in a better position to negotiate meeting friends for beers at approximately 7:03 :).
As usual, the conversation turned to kids and spouses, and someone said “I only have 8 more years…and then we’ll have an empty nest to thoroughly enjoy life”. I chuckled, cause my kids will NEVER leave home. I’ve had them so late in life, that by the time my youngest is done with college, I’ll probably be on my way to either the cemetery or an all inclusive retirement home. You may laugh, but it’s true! And to be honest, I think I’m getting the better end of the deal. You see, I don’t mind the house being an absolute mess and the constant noise of screams and giggles. It keeps me occupied, and besides, if at some point teenagers give me attitude, I’ll be able to turn them off with the click of a hearing aids switch. Plus, there are a lot of benefits to having kids late:
- Having someone to blame passive incontinence farts on. It’s a thing, look it up.
- The supernatural ability to bail on extended social gatherings… “sorry, but I have to put my child to sleep”. Voila! Don’t have to come back, even if the gathering is at our own place. “Please lock the door on your way out.”
- You can finally condescendingly say…you wouldn’t understand, you don’t have kids.
- Right of way with strollers…at the bar.
- Kinda sorta a license to go into women’s bathrooms cause….you know…baby changers.
- When you’re carrying a baby, you’re always the sexiest guy in the room, even with a head full of gray hair. Ok, sometimes I get called grandpa, but I assume that’s a sexy grandpa?
- A permanent excuse to walk slow and show up late.
- You can go around saying… “Who’s your daddy?”…and it’s (mostly) not creepy.
- You have an infinite supply of baby wipes… for cleaning bikes. Also, see #1.
- I’m already up 3 times a night to pee, who cares if there’s another kid crying? Just sync up those toilet visits!
As someone far wiser than me said: “One of my biggest regrets was not having children sooner. Given you will love your children more than anything else in the world, you want them to be in your life for as long as possible…”