{"id":847,"date":"2015-02-21T13:35:46","date_gmt":"2015-02-21T20:35:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/quesejoda.com\/blog\/?p=847"},"modified":"2015-11-28T00:02:11","modified_gmt":"2015-11-28T07:02:11","slug":"the-other-side-of-fear","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quesejoda.com\/blog\/the-other-side-of-fear\/","title":{"rendered":"The other side of fear"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"(Terrified<\/a>
(Terrified of looking down)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Last week I went climbing for the first time ever. \u00c2\u00a0I’m afraid of heights. \u00c2\u00a0Not clinical phobia afraid of heights, but “very uncomfortable with the idea of falling” afraid of heights. \u00c2\u00a0I didn’t confess this to my climbing partners until I was at the top, and couldn’t maneuver myself into letting go and hanging back down. \u00c2\u00a0There’s something unnatural about jumping into the abyss, whether it be attached to a climbing rope, a bungee cord, or a parachute. \u00c2\u00a0Ironically, I’ll probably end up doing all of the above in the next few years.
\n
\nEleanor Roosevelt once said “do one thing every day that scares you”. \u00c2\u00a0I’ve been doing that, whether consciously or unconsciously for the past 25 years. \u00c2\u00a0I can’t say it’s made me a better person, but it sure has been fun.<\/p>\n

Believe it or not, I get scared easily. \u00c2\u00a0I try to mask it, but it’s nevertheless there. \u00c2\u00a0Deep down, I know it’s all a charade. \u00c2\u00a0I know I’m terrified. \u00c2\u00a0But somehow, I’ve trained myself to say “que se joda, I’m doing it anyhow”. \u00c2\u00a0Quesejoda is the name of my domain, and loosely translated means “fuck it…I’m doing it anyhow”. \u00c2\u00a0It sounds a bit less explicit in Spanish, but you get the idea. \u00c2\u00a0It’s been my mantra for a long time.<\/p>\n

I can even remember when\u00c2\u00a0it started. \u00c2\u00a0It was in high school. \u00c2\u00a0We had moved to Michigan, and my new school had junior\/senior banquets (you know, because Christians don’t go to proms. \u00c2\u00a0I know, it’s weird, but bear with me; It’s basically the same thing, but with less\u00c2\u00a0conspicuous drinking). \u00c2\u00a0I had been turned down by what seemed like every girl in the school, with excuses ranging from “I barely know you” (a really good friend) to “I don’t think I’m going” (she did, just with\u00c2\u00a0somebody else).<\/p>\n

Somewhat disillusioned, I told my sob story to the software guys at the computing center, because that’s where I actually socialized back then (errr, and now). \u00c2\u00a0One of the older engineers looked at me and said in his all too Sheldonesque manner “I don’t know why you waste your time with the less than stellar girls. \u00c2\u00a0You’ll still be terrified. \u00c2\u00a0Why not ask the most beautiful girl in school? \u00c2\u00a0Wouldn’t you rather get turned down by her, than by everybody else?”. \u00c2\u00a0I think he was making fun of me, but he did have a point. \u00c2\u00a0It wasn’t going to get any easier. \u00c2\u00a0I was probably going to get turned down, so why not shoot for the stars?<\/p>\n

I thought long and hard. \u00c2\u00a0Who was the coolest, nicest, and most beautiful girl in the school? \u00c2\u00a0And that’s how senior year in high school, on the first week of school, 6 months away from the senior prom (I mean banquet), I picked up the phone and called Stephanie V. \u00c2\u00a0I still get nervous 25 years later just thinking about it. \u00c2\u00a0Obviously she thought I was kidding, because nobody in their right mind would ask someone 6 months in advance. \u00c2\u00a0Nervously I said… “I just know everyone’s going to ask you, so I’d rather do it before everyone else gets to”. \u00c2\u00a0I don’t know if it was pity, interest, indifference, or morbid curiosity, but she said yes. \u00c2\u00a0I grinned from that day until banquet day in February.<\/p>\n

Shortly afterwards, seniors had to send their SAT\/ACT scores to the college of their choice. \u00c2\u00a0I unabashedly sent mine to MIT, where I thought was provided\u00c2\u00a0the\u00c2\u00a0best computer science program in the world. \u00c2\u00a0I think they laughed at my scores, along with my unimpressive grades, but I didn’t care. \u00c2\u00a0I was on a roll. \u00c2\u00a0In retrospect, my time at Andrews turned out to be even better, and solidly placed me where I am today, so no regrets.<\/p>\n

I must admit that the job I now hold was similarly gained. \u00c2\u00a0Getting a compiler job in the late 1990’s or early 2000’s without a Ph.D. or experience was about as likely as surviving a bungee jump without a cord. \u00c2\u00a0But I didn’t care, doing things that scared me had become\u00c2\u00a0my modus operandi. \u00c2\u00a0I was sure the interview process wouldn’t be as scary as asking Stephanie. \u00c2\u00a0Lo and behold, I was offered a job 3 days later. \u00c2\u00a0And I’m quite sure, the alternatives would not have been as sexy.<\/p>\n

Throughout the years I’ve been terrified, almost every day, but mostly by choice: whether taking on a new project, or scrambling to the top of a mountain pass in the Himalayas, or bungee jumping with my eyes open.<\/p>\n

Though I’d like to say I’ve always lived by my mantra, I’m sure I’ve had plenty of mishaps, but by and large I’ve done so, and it’s made all the difference.<\/p>\n

Fearful of hitting the PUBLISH button on this post… but what the hell, the other side of fear is not so bad.<\/p>\n

p.s. Ninth highest bungee jump in the world. \u00c2\u00a0Notice my scared look and how I hold on to the jump master in fear:<\/p>\n